Moving Forward

I thought it was rather ironic that Merideth would pass away on Natalie’s birthday. Of course it was a possibility, but a part of me wanted to ask, “What are the chances?” But actually, I am okay with how things have worked out. Merideth passed away early in the morning, and by the time we celebrated Natalie’s birthday that evening, it felt like two very separate days. I don’t think Natalie will ever remember or connect the two events. And I have come to the conclusion this week that them sharing this day could be another tender mercy. People have asked me throughout the week how I am doing, and truly, I have been fine. It has been uplifting to write so many thoughts about Merideth and she continues to live in my heart. I have not been depressed as this day approached because it has been fun to watch Natalie anticipate her birthday. How can you not get excited with this girl who is so full of love and life (and is growing up too fast)?

Writing has been beneficial for me this week, and I have been surprised at some of the thoughts that have expressed themselves unexpectedly. I’m not “moving on” and forgetting Merideth, but I also acknowledge that there is a lot of my daily life that has been neglected because of my dedication to writing. There were several things I had wanted to get done by this anniversary of her birth, and I am grateful I have been able to accomplish them because I know from experience that the longer I wait, the less likely I am to get some of these things done. It has been a liberating feeling to check certain things off my list and move forward.

Where do we go from here? Merideth continues to be in my thoughts and we will continue to have reminders of her in our home. But I can also find myself tucking away some parts of her, now that so much time has passed—like when I’d run into an acquaintance I hadn’t seen for a long time, I debated over whether to unload on them all that has happened in the last year. But I am feeling now that doesn’t seem as urgent to be the first words out of my mouth, if at all. It is becoming a more personal thing that I am becoming a little more selective about sharing. It is also time to put away some of her memorabilia, finding a permanent place for her medical records and cards (yes, they are still on the dresser in her room). Some of that feeling of moving forward has been a natural transition as I need to get her room ready for another little guy in a few months.

I appreciate so many who have thoughtfully checked in on me this week or are reading the blog. Thanks for remembering our family. I plan to continue to blog about Merideth. It is healing for me, and I have the hope that it is a place that other parents can relate and feel comfort.

(photo: If you can't tell, it's a butterfly birthday cake :)